Solent Open

Rushing Can Lead Quickly to Heartbreak

Dear Ronnie, The Dating Coach,

I just met a nice guy at a singles’ dance recently.  We’ve been out on several dates already and I am finding myself constantly thinking about him.  Unfortunately I fall in love quickly.  Do you think that at our ages 46 & 50, that to fall for someone within a week or so, is possible? 

I yearn to be in a loving relationship and am worried that things might be happening too fast. I am an affectionate person and I touch him a lot –  rubbing his back, holding his hands, kissing on the lips, cheeks, neck -all public displays of affection.  He said he didn’t mind – in fact, he liked it.  I just don’t want to come across too strong and ruin everything!

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What do you think I should do?  Should I just go with the flow or step back a bit and see where it goes?  
Budding Romance
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Dear Budding,

The good news is that it seems you met a nice guy!

 Trouble is, there’s no way to know for sure in such a short time. When I work with my dating coaching clients, my advice is always the same on this topic – DON’T RUSH. Rushing often leads to a broken heart, especially when you are the type who falls in love quickly.

Intimacy creates a haze that impeded objectivity

This is especially true once you become intimate .For many women, sleeping together, regardless of your age, is a bonding experience based on hormones really. Its a natural step to feel closer. However, you can”t be quite sure about this guy yet.  Only time can tell if he is a good man, a good fit and a keeper. Having sex is no guarantee that this guy will stick around.

This is another reason I advise women who fall in love quickly to hold off for a while if they can. Once you sleep with him, you will lose your objectivity. You’ll be looking at him through a delicious, romantic haze and this is often how red flags get ignored.

Don’t smother your new man

On another note, please be VERY CAREFUL not to smother your new man. If you hold back a bit, you give him time to come forward to want to touch you. This is so important for the balance of power, and particularly true for the start of a relationship. Do your best to use affection with some restraint or he will feel smothered – I don’t care what he “says”.

Think of this as ballroom dancing where the man leads. If you always reach out first, what’s left for the man to do? Initially in a relationship, men want to lead – ALMOST ALL MEN. And if you find one who wants you  to lead, he’ll annoy you so much later with is complete abdication on all decisions- leaving you 100% in charge of more than you bargained for.

New relationships are fragile

My heart goes out to your because I know how fragile the start of a new relationship is. I know changing your ways isn’t easy either. But as a dating coach for women over 40, one thing I know is that when you do modify your behavior as I suggested, you will experience better results.

The purpose of dating is to gather data about your partner

Give yourself the space to make this possible. Guard your heart and do what you can to not fall too early in the process until he proves himself worthy of your heart. Right now, you actually know very little. Give it a shot to unfold more slowly, even if he pushes to go fast. It’s very smart thinking and will save you heartache in the long run, whether it’s with this guy or the next.

I hope he is the right guy for you, but only time will tell. So be smart and slow things down. There’s no downside to taking your time.

Wishing you love,
Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach